Your Boundaries Don’t Make You Mean

In the latest GraceStory podcast, Nate Davison had Licensed Christian Counselor, Taylora Bookie, Quies Christian Counseling, on the show to discuss Boundaries: How to Lovingly Enforce Them with People Who Don’t Understand. If you have ever felt like boundaries are mean or un-Christlike, I appreciate how Taylora described boundaries as relational guidelines, and further explained what they are and what they aren’t.

What Are Healthy Boundaries?

Healthy boundaries in relationships are defining what feels safe and realistic for you.

• Boundaries are an act of love for yourself and others.

• Boundaries bring clarity to the relationship and allow you to use your voice by sharing what you need.

• Boundaries minimize the risk of misunderstanding or assumption.

• Boundaries may be temporary or permanent. You get to choose whether or not they change.

• Boundaries aren’t a punishment.

• Boundaries do not indicate anger.

• And the biggest myth of all…Boundaries aren’t indicators of being un-Christlike.

Why Boundaries Feel Loaded

When a young person has no examples of relational boundaries and/or has their own overlooked, it is difficult to understand how to implement them into adult relationships as they age. In all transparency, I struggle with boundaries to this day. As a life and soul care coach, I appreciate them, advocate for them, and see how everyone benefits from them, but I am still learning to set up my own perimeters in my relationships. The truth is, when I look back at my life, I grew up with numerous family members who trampled all over my personal boundaries. So much so that, now as an adult, I repeatedly need to revisit just how to establish these healthy space-keepers.

Jesus Set Perimeters. We can too.

Because many people lack positive examples of boundaries, it’s hard to know who to look to and how to go about setting them. One of the best models we can look to is Jesus. There are multiple passages in Scripture where we see Jesus establishing boundaries. Starting his earthly ministry, Jesus established his boundaries for Satan during his forty days of being tempted by the enemy in the wilderness. And then, during the three years of ministry, multiple passages show us that Jesus established a pattern of boundaries through prayer.

What if Your Boundaries Aren’t Received?

We know that boundaries clarify, define, and exemplify love in relational contexts, but what happens when the person doesn’t receive them? In the podcast, Taylora gives indicators that show whether the individual you’re setting boundaries with is emotionally healthy or unhealthy. In my experience, I’ve dealt with a lot more unhealthy people than healthy ones. When I’ve had pushback in response to my boundaries, I’m often left feeling like it was my fault or I’m the one being mean. But if I look at the negative indicators Taylora listed, I can point to guilt trips, gaslighting, and blackmail as signs of the individual being unhealthy emotionally.

Looking at Boundaries Differently

I have gleaned much helpful information from Taylora through her guidance of using ‘I-statements,’ instead of accusatory ‘You-statements,' and how to invite God into this aspect of my relationships. She has encouraged me to pray specific prayers, asking God to ‘teach me to love’ and ‘guard and protect my heart in a way that leads others to Christ.’ That’s right. My boundaries can lead others to Christ. Because of my prior perspective that boundaries are unloving or selfish, I truly appreciate the wisdom that the opposite is true. Boundaries exercised out of a heart of love for others and the desire to bring clarity can bring new life to a relationship.

Listen To The Podcast

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Prompt: Is there someone in your life whom you need a boundary to be put in place? Pray and ask God to guard and protect your heart in a way that leads others to Christ. Journal about the situation and rehearse the conversation you would like to have with the individual.