How to Be a Friend of One Who Grieves
- Taylora Bookie
- Apr 8
- 3 min read
Updated: Apr 16
In a recent episode on the GraceStory Podcast, “Cultivating Hope: Life and Grief after Loss,” life coach Amy Deberg discusses the tragic and unexpected death of her son Thad, which occurred ten and a half years ago. In the episode, Amy walks us through what helped and what didn't help in her grief journey.
What Doesn't Help Someone in Grief
Let's start with what doesn't help. One common myth Amy challenges is that "time heals all wounds." She shares that grief doesn’t stick to a specific timeline; she continues to experience pain due to the loss to this day. Secondly, Amy describes moments when the weight of the pain felt so overwhelming that it made it difficult to breathe. In those breathless moments, she would seek solace in prayer with friends who offered spiritual support, which helped immensely—but occasionally, people didn’t know what to say. Responses like “he’s in a better place now” or “God has a plan” weren’t just unhelpful; they were band-aids on a gaping wound.
What Does Help Someone in Grief
What helped her was coming to forgiveness in her own time. In the aftermath of the accident, through a vision of Jesus on the cross, she experienced a profound sense of mercy that helped her forgive the man who accidentally killed her son. Additionally, later on in her grief journey, Amy discovered effective ways to assist others experiencing grief, like prayer and seeking God as a source of strength. She highlighted the value of active listening and the “ministry of presence” for those grieving. Practical support, including meals, gift cards, sympathy cards, counseling, and GriefShare groups, were instrumental in her healing process.
How Jesus Modeled Grief Support
As I listened to the episode, two different passages in the New Testament where Jesus experienced grief came to mind. The first moment was when Jesus and his disciples encountered a funeral procession and saw a widow walking beside the body of her only son (Luke 7:11-17). In Luke 7:13, it says, “When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and said, 'Don’t cry.'” Then, Jesus raised her son from the dead. Jesus was moved into action by the mother’s pain.
The second place Jesus grieved was when he arrived at Lazarus’s place of burial, as mentioned in John 11:1-45. Jesus looks at Mary weeping at his feet, and “he shuddered with emotion and was deeply moved with tenderness and compassion.” Jesus asks, “Where did you bury him?” And in verse 35, it says, “Then tears streamed down Jesus’ face.”
Jesus is moved with compassion by grief. When Mary fell at his feet, he didn’t spiritually bypass her by telling her that she needed to be happy because that is what Christians do or that she needed to stop mourning because she was a Christian. Instead, he cried with them. He was moved with compassion. God walks alongside us and carries us through those times of grief. He cares for us.
Putting Grief Support In Action
The importance of how we show up for others in their grief became especially clear when my sister, Honesty, had a beautiful baby girl, Aleijah, in September of 2004. One day, I was driving to my sister’s house after work when I passed an ambulance driving fast with the lights on. I arrived at my sister’s house to find that my niece was in the ambulance, unresponsive. She was only 7 weeks old. I went to the hospital. My sister was devastated. We learned that Aleijah passed from SIDS. I walked alongside my sister, helped plan the funeral, and sat with her through her grief. I still have the date of my niece’s death in my calendar that says, “Honesty needs me.” It reminds me to be present with my sister—no matter how much time has passed—to listen and not judge.
Amy provided us with good insight into what helped her through her grief journey and what it looks like to be a friend of one who grieves:
Pray and be a prayer companion.
Be available to sit with the grieved with the “ministry of presence.”
Provide meals, gift cards, or sympathy cards
Check in
Go to grief counseling or seek out groups
Ask about the deceased.
Prompt:
Are you or someone you know experiencing grief? Reflect on what you can do to walk alongside them or how you can walk your journey with your community. You can do so by offering grace. Pay attention to the emotions you are feeling. Just as Amy said, the deceased person was real and needs to be remembered. What is one small way you can practice remembrance?
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