Making Sense of Anger, Withdraw, and Recurring Conflict

Have you ever wondered if there’s a connection between how you deal with relational conflict now and when you were a child?

According to Peter Leighton LPC, our attachment styles are fully developed in early childhood—some experts say as early as two to six years old. The way you attach to your caregiver in those formative years shapes how you perceive yourself and relate to others throughout your lifetime. But the good news? Your attachment style can change with the help of therapy, restorative experiences with others, and God.

Forced Smiles

When I was a teen (and likely long before then), I was always the happy, smiling, joyful girl at school. I was nice to everyone, sometimes at my expense. The only emotions I allowed myself to have were the positive ones because I thought that was the Christ-like thing to do. But then, the moment I’d get home, I’d get in tiffs with my mom. Usually, it was sparked by annoyance over something small—the way she’d ask a question, how she’d interrupt me in the middle of a show, the way she’d chew her popcorn, the list goes on. I would keep a tight rein on my emotions all day, but once I was home, I couldn’t hold them in.

The Pattern

I didn’t know how to regulate the big feelings rushing through my body then. Let alone have any insight as to why the anger was there. But once the anger reached a boil, it was already too late. I felt little to no control over what would come out of my mouth. As soon as my mom would sense something was frustrating me and ask what was wrong, I’d put up my shield. Or, if she took my frustration personally—even though it wasn’t about her—I’d pull out my sword.

Part of me didn’t want her to come close. But deep down, I was scared of what I was feeling. I wanted someone to help me understand why I was so mad without taking offense. I wanted someone to help me make sense of my feelings and soothe them. I wanted to know I wasn’t a monster; that my anger didn’t disqualify me from love. But the scuffles always ended the same way: I’d stomp up the stairs, close my bedroom door, and hide myself away for hours.

The Pattern, Repeated

Fast forward to my first two years of marriage. In my mind, I felt mature now. I knew a little more about myself and my emotions, and I felt safe in my relationship with God and my spouse. But then it happened—the same pattern, all over again. I’d get home from a twelve-hour nursing shift, where I had served everyone tirelessly with that same old smile, only to erupt moments after walking in the door. Stomping up the stairs, I’d go. One part of me fuming at him, the other part wainting him to hold me and come close. But his shield of defensiveness and self-protection would fly up, and my anger and shame would only increase from there.

Looking Beneath

Here’s how I would break down this pattern using the Emotionally Focused Therapy five-step process that Peter Leighton mentioned in his episode, “How Do I Connect with People and Why Do I Do It That Way” on the GraceStory Podcast:

1. If you could name how you want to feel in the relationship, what would it be?

   Secure enough to feel the full range of my emotions, pursued, understood, validated, and loved anyway.

2. What happens when you don’t feel this way?

   I feel alone, scared, ugly, unlovable, and not Christ-like.

3. What do you do in response?

   My anger intensifies, and I withdraw.

4. What do you believe about your partner?

   They can’t handle me. They don’t know how to carry what I’m holding. They’re not able to see that this isn’t about them.

5. What do you believe about you?

   I’m a monster. I hurt the people I care about the most. I can’t be helped. My anger is bad and keeps me from being loved.

   
   

Holy Disruption

One of the most memorable moments early in my marriage that disrupted this pattern was when my husband, rather than getting defensive, acknowledged my emotions and told me he loved me. He said, “You’re angry. I can tell. And I love you, even now. Your anger is safe here.” Immediately, my sword and shield dropped, and I began to sob. It was a beautiful representation of God's disarming love.

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Prompt

What are your patterns of conflict in your relationships? Are they connected to how you’d handle conflict as a kid or young adult? Write out the pattern. Then walk yourself through the five questions listed above. Talk about it with your partner or the person with whom this pattern shows up frequently.