How to Reparent Yourself When You Make Mistakes

Sue Bowles
6 days ago
3 min read

Everyone wants to do at least one thing differently from how they were raised. It’s how humans grow and progress from generation to generation. Whether you’re wondering how to create a healthier family or seeking advice on how to heal from your past, the best place to start is getting your story straight through reparenting.

In the recent Grace Story Podcast episode, “How to Create Healthy Family Attachments” with Lori Wildenburg, hosted by Nate Davison, they do a great job introducing the concept of reparenting. Here is a helpful overview of what it is, how to start, and an example of how I’ve found it helpful.

What is Reparenting?

Reparenting is balancing out the negative input you may have received growing up, emphasizing the critical importance of giving yourself grace in the process. In her example, Lori explained how we can reparent ourselves by responding to circumstances differently. Instead of screaming about spilled milk, what if you calmly said pivotal words like:

“It’s a problem that needs to be solved. It’s not the end of the world.”
“It’s okay, everybody spills milk, let’s figure it out together.”
“You didn’t mean to; mistakes happen.”
“It’s okay to feel disappointed, but I’m not disappointed in you.”

We all have things we want to avoid repeating from our past, and those things need to be replaced with something else, whether that’s with your family or with yourself. That’s reparenting.

Start By Listening to Your Inner Narrative

I used to be so hard on myself. I struggled with perfectionism, fearing I’d let others down if I messed up. I beat myself up emotionally, called myself a ‘dumb jerk’ more times than I care to remember, and put pressure on myself to be superhuman and not make mistakes. As I have grown older and wiser, I’ve learned how to reparent that negative self-talk into something more accurate. I’m learning how to get the story straight.

What do I mean by that? My perception of my story is one-sided; thus, it’s incomplete. If my narrative is a result of the meaning I’m assigning to my failures and imperfections, I’m doing myself a disservice by not looking at the rest of the story—the other side of the coin. I have always had a choice to give myself grace, even if I didn’t realize it. But to choose grace requires me to learn how to remove the judgment against myself and create a more holistic narrative about the event.

Reparenting in Action

When I took my exam to become an ACC-certified life coach, I did not do as well as I expected. I was in tears from disappointment. You’d think I would’ve been ecstatic to just pass! I called a fellow coach, shared the score and my tears, and she helped me give myself grace to see the score as an accomplishment, not the disappointment I told myself it was. As she helped me see things from a bigger view, she helped me understand the fuller narrative.

The test I passed was actually designed for the next level up, something I did not have full knowledge of and training for. To pass a higher-level exam with my first-level training was an accomplishment to be celebrated! I accepted her encouragement, let myself off my own hook of unrealistic expectations, and celebrated my accomplishment. I reparented myself in how I responded to a less-than-expected test result.

Summary

In doing everyday things, we have the opportunity to retrain the brain and get the story straight. This may require having others involved in your life and giving them permission to speak the truth in love. Considering a different perspective about yourself requires humility, trust, and faith in God and the people He has placed in our lives.

Prompt:

What past interactions do you want to do differently in your mind and life?
Who are 2-3 people in your life that will help you get the story straight about the things you speak over yourself?
What step can you take this week to move closer to seeing yourself as God sees you, not as your past may speak to you?