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Finding Hope in Grief: On Welcoming God into “Dead Places”

Writer's picture: Taylora BookieTaylora Bookie

Even though I was at the conference, as I listened back to these highlights from the Abundance Women’s Conference on the GraceStory Podcast, “Engaging Grief and Fear,” with Mandy Buckland and Kathy Sprinkle, I felt myself connecting with my own grief from my childhood in a deeper way.

In her session, "Holding Grief Sacred," Mandy outlines four stages of mourning: acceptance, working through the grief, adjusting, and learning to maintain a new normal. She cites a quote from David Kessler and Elizabeth Kübler-Ross: “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one. You will learn to live with it. You will heal. You will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again. But you will never be the same, nor should you be the same or want to be the same.”

As the child of a minister, I, along with my parents and four siblings, went to church whenever the doors to the church were opened. The first time I remember not attending church on a Sunday was when I was around seven years old. It was a sunny day. We lived in a small town. My mother read to us from a golden and weird olive-colored book called “The Book of Life: Doorway to the Bible Volume 1” while my father left to play basketball or football at the local school. In my eyes, this began my father’s separation from the church. I learned in my adult years that separation had begun long before that time.

It was the same year when my parents separated and the next year when they divorced. I was devastated. I wrote my father a letter asking him not to leave and told him I would be a better kid. My mom moved us kids to Indiana shortly after to live next to my maternal grandparents. I would go to the altar and beg God to send my daddy home and that I would be a better kid. Just please send him home.

My dad never returned home, and over time, his visits whittled down to once a year. Shortly before he died due to his alcoholism and drug addiction in 2011, my father sent an email with paragraphs addressed to me and four of my siblings. Each paragraph stated that we were horrible kids and listed out lies about us. The aftermath of his actions and harm has uncovered a lot of hurt and pain.

In Kathy’s session, “Boundaries and Compassion,” she discusses the biblical story of Lazarus's death and resurrection (John 11:1-44). She tells the story of when Jesus asked Mary where Lazarus was laid, even though He already knew the answer. Kathy invites the listener to see that Mary needed to guide Jesus to the place of death, and so do we. Kathy further reflected that our “dead places” represented the core of our fears, as well as our struggles with control, identity, and purpose. Recognizing these areas is essential for experiencing true resurrection and new life. Over the years, and even now, God has walked with me to the dead places and has helped me accept that there will not be reconciliation with my father. God has shown me that my dad was a wounded man and how He protected me and my siblings. Because I brought Jesus and others to this area of my story, I have been able to grieve and open my heart to compassion for my father.


 

Prompt:

Do you find yourself unable to accept loss or sense that you have become bitter towards the loss? Do you find yourself protective over the dead places, unwilling to let anyone—including God—near? I want to encourage you to think of one small, safe way to try allowing God or someone else into the process. Allow yourself the freedom to feel and acknowledge that the pain is effective in healing. Take time to stand over the grave, figuratively, and reflect on how the experience has changed you.


*Note—you can listen to the full conference highlight on the GraceStory Ministries App! Watch on Apple or Android.

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