Building A Healthy Marriage Based on Ephesians 4
- Amber Jones
- Jun 9
- 3 min read
When I got married at the ripe old age of 20, Daron and I had spent the majority of our long-distance relationship dating by phone. More truthfully, a phone card. He was the first one to buy me the latest flip cellular phone, which saved us money. That was a lot of time talking, but now we had to learn how to actually communicate.
Communication
Communication involves so much more than just the length of words strung together. Added to that, we were learning new roles! Daron wasn’t just a brother or son anymore–he was now a husband. I wasn’t just the oldest daughter or sister–I was a wife. We had to learn deference, meekness, submission, kindness, and forgiveness in how we spoke to one another.
Forgiveness, Really?
I don’t think I anticipated needing “forgiveness” when I first got married. Why would I need to forgive this incredible, gentle human being who had swept me off my down-to-earth feet? He had been my knight in shining armor–he was literally my breath and my everything. I adored Daron from that first moment on.
I’m convinced that anytime we place someone on a pedestal, we are unfairly setting them up to fall. Furthermore, when we hold someone to unrealistic and uncommunicated expectations, we will be disappointed. Unmet expectations often lead to resentment, which in turn can lead to bitterness.
I share more about our early marriage years, the challenges we faced around year five, and the lessons we both learned about choosing each other for a “team of us” on the GraceStory Podcast.
Rebuild Trust
The years of rebuilding trust and fighting for our marriage weren’t easy. There are times when I look at our family as we head into 22 years of marriage and thank God for the gifts He has given us. His gracious goodness is evident in the family unit he has helped us create together. We are truly a team! For us, it has been a commitment to unity that went beyond what we could have possibly known as wide-eyed adventurers getting married. We had to choose to create a marriage that was a place of refuge.
Five Principles for A Refuge Marriage
I want to share five principles based on Ephesians 4 that God has used to create a refuge marriage for me and Daron. I explain these individually in the podcast; however, I've summarized them here:
Principle 1: We must be FOR each other.
Principle 2: We must have an identity of our own.
Principle 3: We must get into each other’s worlds.
Principle 4: We must remember who our true enemy is.
Principle 5: We must remember who our true refuge is.
The key takeaway for this month is that marriage is a reflection of Holy Intimacy; it is not a replacement for it. Marriage is not our end-all or an “out” from suffering. It’s not our answer to financial worries or to find that person who is going to finally love us, protect us, provide for us, fix us, complete us, or make it all better. Neither is it our spouse’s fault when we expect them to be all of that for us, but we still feel shortchanged, missed out, or unheard.
Putting The Principles In Practice
Daron could not be my everything. He is a consistent, selfless representation of God for us as he leads our home. I am forever grateful for this! But Jesus is my everything, and until I allowed Jesus to be my everything, Daron was never enough.
In the busyness of just co-existing, we can duck our head and lean into the everyday routines, push through the hard things, and muscle through. The load gets heavier and heavier. At some point, we look up and wonder where we are and how we got to this place. In the faithfulness of “doing”, we forget the importance of “being.”
With this realization, we have the opportunity to pause, look up into His face–with our questions, our hurt, and our sincerity–and He reminds us IT ISN’T OURS TO CARRY ALONE. We don’t have to figure it out or fix it alone. He invites us into Himself. He invites us to let Him shoulder the burden for us. He is where refuge is found. He is our peace in the chaos. A soul-deep rest, even when the boat is tossing and turning, because we know who captains our ship and who fights our battles.
Prompt: I encourage you to read Ephesians 4 and Psalm 27 this month. Soak in it. Write out the phrases that speak to you each day when you read them. Let the Holy Spirit give you insight and meaning for yourself and your relationships. These passages will help us remember who our true enemy is and who our true refuge is!
Comments